Nobody, NOBODY, is allowed to parody the Eagle's "Hotel California" in such a way that it comes out "Hotel Can't Afford Ya."
Gay (and I say that in both a homosexual and mean way, however juvenile it is) Christian rock bands can bite me.
Fresh squeezed by melly at 6:47 PM
Friday, May 02, 2003
I spent the afternoon laying out on the deck and whispering, "Rise, little melanin cells! Rise and bring tidings of skin cancer!"
I have problems getting tans. I do not have a problem getting freckles. Perhaps I should have whispered, "Rise, little melanin cells, but cover my whole body! Spread out! Break out of your cliques that have formed on my face!"
Grandparents are here, spending the weekend.
Fresh squeezed by melly at 5:52 PM
Thursday, May 01, 2003
Warning: Long and INSANE read ahead.
To: email@example.com From: naiomimccarthy
DEAR SIR, (Feel free to skip this part---classic Nigerian scam mail letter)
PLEASE PERMIT ME TO MAKE YOUR ACQUAINTANCE IN SO INFORMAL A MANNER. THIS IS NECESSITATED BY MY URGENT NEED TO REACH A DEPENDABLE AND TRUSTWORTHY FOREIGN PARTNER.THIS REQUEST MAY SEEM STRANGE AND UNSOLICITED BUT I CRAVE YOUR INDULGENCE AND PRAY THAT YOU TAKE MY REQUEST VERY SERIOUS. I AM MRS NAOMI MCARTHY, THE WIFE OF A REKNOWNED SOUTH AFRICAN BUSINESSMAN IN ONE OF THE REBEL-HELD TOWNS, BOUAKE (ONE OF THE WAR ZONES IN IVORY COAST) I RECEIVED YOUR INFORMATION FROM A RELIABLE SOURCE WHO DESCRIBED YOUR COUNTRY AS BEING ECONOMICALLY CONDUCIVE FOR INVESTMENT AND HER PEOPLE AS TRANSPARENT AND TRUSTWORTHY TO ENGAGE IN BUSINESS, WHICH MADE ME TO WRITE YOU. AS YOU MAY WANT TO KNOW AND TO MAKE YOU LESS CURIOUS, I GOT YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS FROM AN INTERNET SITE THAT PORTRAYED YOU (YOUR ESTABLISHMENT) IN GOOD LIGHT.
ON THE 17TH OF SEPTEMBER 2002. THE REBEL LEADERS, UNTIL THEN WERE LOYAL SOLDIERS TO THE GOVERNMENT OF PRESIDENT LAURENT GBAGBO, CONTACTED MY HUSBAND IN HIS OFFICE WITH THE BUSINESS OF IMPORTATION OF ARMS. WITHOUT THE PREMONITION OF WAR, MY HUSBAND ACCEPTED THE JOB. THE SOLDIERS PAID HIM THE SUM OF TWENTY EIGHT MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS (US$28M) ON THE SPOT AND TOLD HIM TO EXPEDITE ACTION. SINCE MY HUSBAND WAS NOT INTO IMPORTATION OF AMMUNITION AND BECAUSE OF THE URGENCY, HE IMMEDIATELY STARTED MAKING SEVERAL CONTACTS WITH BUSINESSMEN ACROSS THE GLOBE. TWO DAYS LATER, HEAVY FIGHTING BROKE UP IN CENTRAL BAOUKE AND KORHOGO EVERYWHERE WAS IN DISSARRAY AND WE LOST EVERYTHING THAT TOOK US SO MANY YEARS TO ACQUIRE. HAVING KNOWN AT THIS TIME THAT THE IMPORTATION BUSINESS GIVING TO MY HUSBAND WAS TO FACILITATE WAR BY THE REBELS, MY HUSBAND WAS AFRAID AND UNWILLING TO PROCEED WITH THE OFFER AND DECIDED TO TAKE ALL OF US TO A HIDING PLACE WITHIN THE WAR ZONE. ON THE SECOND OF THIS MONTH OF MARCH 2003, UNKNWN TO US THAT THE REBELS HAS DISCOVERRED OUR HIDING PLACE, CAME TO US BUT FORTUNATELY, I WAS WAY WITH MY SON JUNIOR, LEAVING MY HUSBAND AND MY DAUGHTER AT OUR HIDEOUT. WE CAME BACK TO MEET THE COPSE OF BOTH MY HUSBAND AND MY ONLY DAUGHTER. HAVEN LOST THE TWO IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN OUR LIVES, I HAVE NO OPTION THAN TO DO AWAY WITH THE US$28M WHICH BEFORE THE DEATH OF MY HUSBAND ON DISCOVERY THAT IT WAS MEANT FOR WAR, THROUGH THE HELP OF A RED CROSS RELIEF WORKER WHO USED HIS OFFICIAL VAN TO MOVE THIS FUND TO THE NEIBOURING COUNTRY, ALTHOUGH DID NOT KNOW THE CONTENT OF THE BOX. PRESENTLY, THIS FUND HAS BEEN DEPOSITED WITH A COSTOM BONDED WARE HOUSE IN ABIDJAN WHERE I AM CURRENTLY HIDING FROM THE REBEL WHO DECLEARED ME AND MY SON WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE. I DO NOT WANT TO INVEST THIS MONEY IN ABIDJAN DUE TO UNFAVORABLE AND UNSTABLE ECONOMIC CLIMATE. AS A RESULT, I KEPT THE MONEY IN A CUSTOM BONDED WAREHOUSE WITH A SECURITY COMPANY. SO THAT NO BODY CAN TOUCH THE MONEY UNTIL IT GETS TO YOUR COUNTRY, WHERE WE WILL COMMENCE INVESTMENT. THE ONLY ASSISTANCE WE NEED FROM YOU WHICH I BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO FOR US ARE THE FOLLOWING: 1.MAKE IMMEDIATE ARRANGEMENT TO TAKE THE DELIVERY OF THE DEPOSIT (FUND) AT THEIR EUROPE OR AMERICAN COMMISSION AGENTS. 2.ASSURANCE FROM YOU THAT YOU WILL NOT SIT ON THIS FUND WHEN IT GETS TO YOUR COUNTRY. MY SON AND I AGREED THAT YOU SHALL BE ENTITLED TO 20% OF THE TOTAL AMOUNT WHILE THE PRINCIPAL SUM WILL BE INVESTED IN A VIABLE BUSINESS VENTURE WITH YOUR ADVICE. MOST IMPORTANTLY, I WILL LIKE TO BUY A PERSONAL HOUSE WHERE MY ONLY SON AND I WILL RESIDE.3. A LEGAL AGRREMENT WILL SIGNED BETWEEN YOU AND US BEFORE TAKE OFF ON THE TRANSACTION PLEASE. UPON CONFIRMATION OF YOUR INTEREST TO HELP US AS OUR FOREIGNPARTNER TO CLAIM THE DEPOSIT FROM THE SECURITY COMPANY ON OUR BEHALF ATANY OF THEIR COMMISSION AGENT CLOSER TO YOU, I SHALL FURNISH YOU WITH THE DETAILS OF THE MOVEMENT OF THE CONSIGNMENT WHICH WILL BE SCHEDULED IN YOUR FAVOUR, BY THE SECURITY COMPANY WHOM I WILL INSTRUCT TO PREPARES AN AIRWAY BILL AND TAGS THE CONSIGNMENT IN YOUR FAVOUR. YOUR PRIVATE FAX AND TELEPHONE NUMBERS ARE NEEDED TO ENHANCE THE SPEEDY CONCLUSION OFTHIS TRANSACTION (OUR ONLY HOPE IN LIFE NOW) KINDLY TREAT AS URGENT AND CONTACT ME IMMEDIATELY THROUGH THE ABOVE E-MAIL ADDRESS i.e firstname.lastname@example.org. I HAVE NOT ACQUIRED A NEW PHONE AS I LOST ALL MY PROPERTIES IN BOAUKE.
NOTE: PLS CONTACT ME THROUGH THIS EMAIL ADDRESS: email@example.com
To: firstname.lastname@example.org From:email@example.com
DEAR MRS. NAOMI MCARTHY,
I AM PLS CONTACT YOU THROUGH THIS EMAIL ADDRESS. I SENT MY OTHER REPLY TO DIFFERENT ADDRESS AND I AM DESOLEATE. PLS EXCEPT MY APOLOGIES. I AM WILLING TO HELP YOU AND YOUR SON WITH THE NECCESARY TRANSACTION (S). IS WRITING ALL IN CAPS PART OF SOME SECRET, NO-NOTICE CODE? I UNDERSTAND. I WOULD NOT WANT TO ENANGER YOUR FAMILY MORE THAN YOU ALREADY ARE IN TROUBLE. PLS EXCUSE MY ENGLISH. I AM A NAZI REFUGEE LIVING IN ALABAMA. BUT NO SWATISKAS HERE I WOULD NOT LET THEM BRAND ME, NO NO. I AM VERRY RELY-ABLE. MY VOICE WAS FEATURED AS THE BAT IN THE MAJOR MOTION PICTURE FROM DISNEY, "ANASTASIA." IT IS HOT HERE. IS IT HOT IN NIGERIA? HAVE YOU SEEN ANASTASIA? DONT WORRY I WILL GET YOUR MONEY HERE SAFE SO YOU CAN BE A PRINCESS JUST LIKE ANASTASIA. WHAT COLOR HAIR DOES YOUR SON HAVE?
A DEAR SIR
UPDATE: THE SAGA CONTINUES
To: firstname.lastname@example.org From: naomimcarthy
This is to acknowledge the reciept of your mail. To move this business further, I will require you send your contact details, i.e telephone, to enable us discuss more on the issue.
I await your prompt response.
To: naomimcarthy From: email@example.com
DEAR NAOMI MCARTHY
I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU HAD NO PHONE DU TO THE CONDITIONS OF YOUR HIDING SPOT.
HOW CAN I TRUST YOU? I DO NOT WANT TO BE STRIPPED OF MY "GOPHERFEST 2002
QUEEN" TITLE BECAUSE OF AN ILLEGAL MONEY LAUNDARING RING.
IS PUTTING MONIES THREW THE WASHING MASHINE ILLEGAL?
I DIGRESS. PLEASE PROOF YOUR LEGITAMACY TO ME BEFORE I PROVIDE YOU WITH MY
A DEAR SIR.
To: firstname.lastname@example.org From: naomimcarthy
My Dear Friend,
If you are online now then lets chat on yahoo messenger to move this transaction ahead and nearer to a logical conclusion. my yahoo id is email@example.com.
To: naomimcarthy From: firstname.lastname@example.org
DEAREST MRS. NAOMI MCARTHY,
I AM ONLINE NOW THAT IS WHY I AM REPLY-ING.
HOWEVER I DO NOT HAVE A YAHOO MESSENGER. WHAT IS A YAHOO? IT SOUNDS LIKE MY CHILDHOOD FRIEND DR. SEUSS. I REMEMBER HOW HE USED TO SAY TO ME, "TISK, TUT. SMELLY IS THE MUTT. WHAT AM I EVER TO DO?" I ALWAYS FELT SO ASHAMD, AND WANTED TO GO RESCUE POOR ROVER FROM THE RAIN. THE RAIN OF DEATH! THE RAIN!
HOWEVER, I DO HAVE AN AIM NAME-ON-SCREEN. IT IS SWEETCITROELLE. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT CITROELLE MEANS. IS IT LIKE A YAHOO?
A DEER SIR
Fresh squeezed by melly at 3:57 PM
Tuesday, April 29, 2003
I had a bizarre dream last night and woke up with the equally bizarre thought, "If alligators could fly, they'd be kick-ass Major League Baseball shortstops."
This is exactly the kind of thought that everyone should be entitled to at least once in their lifes. It is the kind of thought that jump-starts your day and gets you out of bed with a smile on your face and a bounce in your step. It's the kind of thought that leads you to think, "Damn, I am so cool."
This is exactly the kind of thought that I needed today, although in retrospect I either didn't respect it enough or I should have shunned it from the beginning.
I got home from classes with a severe sunburn and the knowledge that my dad has indeed been laid off from Pfizer, the largest pharaceutical company in the world that just took over Dad's old company, Pharmacia. Bastards.
So because of this sunburn and because of this knowledge, I am consolingly rubbing my shoulders with lotion and wondering if this could be a good thing. We might have to move. If so, perhaps I could stop my sappy whining about Michigan and "where my home really is". Possible new homes for us include Ann Arbor (Michigan, but college town), Connecticut, San Diego, Indiana, or England--all of which are a step up, at least theoretically, from this current suburbia.
But despite all my previous whining, I really don't want to move. Not even from my present location to return the bottle of lotion to its home on the shelf. I'm bitchy. If I don't have a home, neither can it.
Fresh squeezed by melly at 6:11 PM
Monday, April 28, 2003
I hate Quizilla, and all of those who use blogs merely to show of their quiz scores as if this relates something deep and personal about them. But this was too good to pass up, albeit the disappointing results:
Mean lil fellow, arn't you?
What Monty Python Character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Fresh squeezed by melly at 9:13 PM
Snippets of conversation:
//"Beautiful day, isn't it?" she says from her wide-brimmed hat and rolled up pants
"Yeah" I say
"For picking dandelions!" she cackles, and I can see her gray hair spark. I wonder how many horror movies could be based off of this.
//"You have a weird expression on your face."
"I'm trying not to laugh."
"Well, why not? Just laugh."
"I don't know."
//"I love you, Meredith." He presses his body up against me, too close.
"But I love you."
"If you love me, then leave me."
//"I am presenting the 'Best Musician' award to my daughter, Lisa Borik." says Mrs. Borik.
Eyes are rolled.
//"Practice yoga, does Yoda?"
"How would I know?"
"Thought you were omnipotent."
"No, that's Elmo."
Fresh squeezed by melly at 3:46 PM